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03/09/2008 MY SUMMERMY SUMMER HAS BEEN WONDERFUL SENCE I HAVE BEEN HERE IN TEXAS. I MET A WONDERFUL MAN IN MAY AND AM SO GLAD THAT I TOOK THE TIME TO COME HERE TO MEET HIM. I MOVED HERE TO BE WITH HIM AND NOT A 1000 MILES FROM HIM AND WE GET ALONG SO WELL. HE TAKES TIME OUT FOR US AND HE ALSO THINKS OF MY WELL BEING NOT JUST HIS, I HAVE HAD A FEW FALLS SENCE BEING HERE AND MISSING MY FAMILY IN IOWA BUT I DO NOT REGRET ONE MINUTE COMING HERE. YOU KNOW ALL MY LIFE I HAVE LOOKED FOR THAT KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOUR AND I FEEL I HAVE FOUND HIM. HE OPENS DOORS FOR ME HE GOES ON WALKS WITH ME AND TAKES TIME OUT FOR US AS A COUPLE I TRUELY THINK THAT THIS WAS MENT TO BE AND I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. WE WAS BROUGHT TOGETHER FOR A REASON AND A PURPOSE, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL IN JANUARY FOR CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE AND HIS MAMA WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL AND LOST ALL BRAIN WAVES.
 HE AND I BOTH BELIEVE THAT I WAS BROUGHT HERE TO MAKE SURE THAT HE WAS TAKEN CARE OF, HIS MAMA PASSED ON AND I WAS TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT THE SAME DAY HIS MAMA PASSED ON I FEEL THAT WE WAS BROUGHT TOGETHER FOR A REASON AND I FEEL THAT MAMA HAD ALOT TO DO WITH IT. . I HAVE WAITED ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS BREAK IN MY LIFE TO SPEND MY TIME WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN AND WELL AS ME BEING THERE FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY ALSO. WHEN I MET HIM I WAS AFFRAID TO LET MY HEART FEEL AND I HAVE DONE JUST THAT AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO DO SO. HE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON AND I AM SO GLAD THAT THE GOOD LORD WAS LOOKING DOWN ON THE TWO OF US AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO COME TO BE WITH THIS MAN I HAVE NOT ONE REGRET IN THIS WORLD AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I FOLLOWED MY INSTINCT,
YOU KNOW ALL MY LIFE ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED THE WAY I KNOW I SHOULD BE AND ALSO LOVE THE OTHER UCONDITONALLY AND NOT JUDGE ONE ANOTHER FOR THE WAY OUR LIVES WENT BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER I HAVE GAINED ALOT OF ESTEEM BACK AND HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT I CAN NOT SAVE THE WORLD AND I CAN NOT FIX SOMEONE THEY HAVE TO DO IT ALL THEIR SELVES. I AM ONE THAT SEEM TO THINK THAT EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE ONCE IT GOES TO HELL BUT" WOW" WHAT WAS I THINKING? NO ONE CAN FIX THE OTHER WE ALL HAVE TO REALIZE THAT WE CAN NOT EVER FIX SOMEONE THAT HAS A PROBLEM THE PERSON THAT HAS THAT PROBLEM HAS TO DO IT ON THEIR OWN OR IT WILL NEVER WORK.
IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS I HAVE ENDURED ALOT OF STUFF AND I HAVE HELD MY SELF RESPONSIBLE, STEVE HAS SET ME DOWN AND HELPED ME TO FIGURE OUT THAT IT WAS NOT ME THAT DONE ANYTHING TO HARM MY DAUGHTER. SHE IS JUST GOING THROUGH A STAGE AND THROUGH SOME HARD TIMES RIGHT NOW BUT I KNOW SHE WILL MAKE IT ALL HAPPEN CAUSE SHE IS A SURVIVOR AND I KNOW THAT SHE WILL BE OK AND COME TO UNDERSTAND JUST WHO IT ALL WAS THAT DONE HARM TO HER AND I AM NOT THE ONE THAT DONE IT ALL TO HER SHE IS MY LIFE AND I WILL STAND BY HER NO MATTER WHATI WILL NEVER HATE HER NOR WILL I EVER HOLD IT AGAINST HER FOR THE SAME THINGS THAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE IN MY LIFE I JUST HOPE THAT SHE DONT HAVE TO SEE THE PLACES I HAVE HAD TO TO WAKE UP. SHE HAS A GOOD HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS AND I AM SURE SHE WILL COME TO REALIZE THAT I AM NOT THE ONE THAT IS AGAINST HER NOR HAVE I DONE ANYTHING TO HARM HER IN ANY WAY. SHE IS MY LIFE AND MY ONLY DAUGHTER AND ILL STAND BY HER AND LET HER KNOW THAT I LOVE HER AND MISS HER AND WILL ALWAYS BE HER BEST FRIEND I WILL NEVER GO BEHIND HER TO HARM HER.
THERE WAS ALOT OF THINGS THAT MADE HER BELIEVE THAT I WAS AGAINT HER AND THAT I HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WHAT HAPPENED I AM HOPING THAT SOMEDAY SHE REALIZES THAT I WAS NTO THE ONE THAT DID ALL OF IT. I WILL TALK TOHER SOMEDAY AND LET HER KNOW THE REAL TRUTH AND THEN I HOPE THAT HSE WILL SAY I LOVE YOU MOM ISTEAD OF I HATE YOU. I NOW KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER HAD TO GO THROUGH WHEN IW AS GOING THROUGH ALL OF MY HARD TIMES AND THOUGHT THAT EVERYONE WAS AGAINST ME AND WAS OUT TO GET ME WHEN ALL THEY WAS DOING WAS TRYING TO HELP ME, I CAN SAY I AM VERY GREATFUL FOR ALL OF THEM PEOPLE THAT TRIED ALL THEY DID. I GUESS I HAD TO GRO UP HUH!!!!! LOL SOMEDAY WE ALL HAVE TO AND THAT IS A SLAP IN THE FACE TO SOME OF US. BUT I AM SO FORTUNATE FOR THE FAMILY THAT I HAVE GOT AND I AM GREATFUL FOR ALL THEY HAVE DONE FOR ME.
I WAS SO AFFRAID TO SEE MY KIDS ALL GROW UP AND LEAVE, ANOTHER SLAP IN THE FACE AND IT IS ALL KILLING ME, I MISS ALL THE TIMES THAT I DIDNT SPEND WATCHING THEM GROW UP YEAH I HAVE ALOT OF REGRETS BUT I FEEL THAT I DID THE BEST I COULD WITH WHAT I HAD TO WORK WITH. IF I COULD CHANGE SOME THINGS I WOULD BUT I CANT AND I CANT SET AND DWELL ON IT ALL AND I CAN NOT CONTINUTE TO LIVE IN MY PAST I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD AND I HAVE TO TAKE THINGS AS THEY COME TO ME AND NOT HOLD MY SELF RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONE ELSES STUFF. YES I HAVE FAULTS LIKE ANYONE DOES BUT I AM HUMAN AND I AM A INDIVIDUAL AND I WISH THAT SOME PEOPLE WOULD TREAT ME AS SUCH. BUT AS I HAVE SAID I CANT CHANGE THE WORLD. IF OTHERS WOULD JUST UNDERSTAND THAT I AM A VERY CARING PERSON AND I AM NOT EHRE TO HURT NO ONE I JUST CANT GO ON WITH ALL THE HURT INSIDE ME AND I CANT CONTINUE TO HOLD MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THAT HAS WENT ON I HAVE TO FORGIVE MY SELF FIRST AND THIS IS THE TIME I AM GOING TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR I HAD NO CONTROL OVER SOME OF THE ISSUES IN OUR LIVES,
THERE IS SO MANY THINGS THAT I WANT TO SAY TO SOME PEOPLE AND CANT FIND THE WORDS TO BEGIN WITH I AHVE ALOT OF AMMENDS TO MAKE. WHEN I GO HOME FR THE HOLIDAYS I AM GOING TO SET DOWN WITH MY CHLDREN ONE BY ONE AND GET ALOT OFF MY MIND AND LET THEM ALL KNOW THAT IAM TUELY SORRY AND WANT TO PUT IT ALL IN THE PAST AND LIVE A HAPPY FAMILY LIFE AND REALIZE THAT NONE OF US WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT HAS HAPPENED TO US AS A FAMILY. MY MOM AND MY GRANDMOTHERS HAVE ALL TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND I TRUELY BELIEVE THAT GOD ONLY GIVES US WHAT HE KNOWS WE CAN HANDLE. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THIS TIME CAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT MY JOB HERE ON EARTH IS NOT OVER AND I HAVE ALOT OF MISSONS TO TAKE AND HAVE TAKEN MAYBE MORE THEN SOME COULD TAKE BUT HE BELIEVES IN ME AND FEELS I CAN BATTLE EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN THROWN AT ME.
I AM A HUMAN AND I HAVE FEELINGS JUST LIKE ALOT OF PEOPLE AND ALOT CAN NOT SHOW IT THE WAY I DO AND THERE IS ALOT OF TIMES THAT I AM AFFRAID TO SHOW MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I AM SO SICK OF HURTING IN LIFE I WANT LOVE AND I WANT PEACE AND SERENITY IN MY LIFE I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT A PERFECT SOUL AND I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE BUT I AM A WOMAN THAT HAS BEEN THROUGH ALOT MORE THEN I SHOULD HAVE HAD TO ENDURE, BUT THAT HAS ONLY MADE ME STRONGER AND I FEEL THAT I WAS GIVEN THEM MISSIONS BECAUSE IT WAS NOT ONLY A WAKE UP BUT A REALITY AND ALSO A WAY TO SHOW ME I NEEDED TO GROW UP AND REALIZE I WAS A MOTHER AND A PERSON THAT WAS PUT HERE FOR A REASON AND MY TIME ON THIS EARTH IS NOT DONE AND I WILL SHOW EVERYONE THAT I AM ALOT BETTER NOW THEN WHAT I USE TO BE. I HAVE SLOT OF PEOPLE TO TALK TO BEFORE MY TIME IS OVER.
I WILL GET TO TALK TO THEM PEOPLE AND THEN I WILL GO TO THE GRAVES OF THE OTHERS AND PRAY, FOR THERE IS ALOT OF THE ONES THAT I LOVE HEART AND SOUL THAT I DID NOT GET TO SAY THE THINGS THAT I WANTED TO BEFORE THEY LEFT THIS LIFE AND WENT TO A MUCH BETTER PLACE. I KNOW THAT THEY ARE ALL WATCHING DOWN ON ME NOW BUT I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REALLY HAPPY WITH SOME OF MY LIVES CHOICES BUT THEY UNDERSTNAD AND KNOW I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH IT ALL. I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM DEARLY AND MISS THEM SO MUCH. I HAD A TALK THE OTHER DAY WITH MY BOYS AND TOLD THEM THAT THEY NEEDED TO GET ALONG AND STOP ALL THE ANNIMOSITY AND GET ALONG BECAUSE WHEN THEY HAVE NO ONE BUT ONE ANOTHER THEY WILL ALL REGRET IT ALL IN THE LONG RUN, I DO AND DID AND WISH THAT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WAS ALOT CLOSER THEN WE ARE AND ALL THE FIGHTING AND ARGUING WOULD STOP.
I AM NOT A VERY HEALTH PERSON AND I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO MY GRAVE WITH ALL THIS HATE AND ALL THE BAD TIMES IN MY MIND I WANT TO REMEMBER SOME GOOD BFORE I GO. I WANT OT SPEND ALL THE TIME THAT I CAN WITH THE ONE THAT I HAVE IN MY LIFE AND SHOW HIM A LOVE THAT HE HAS NEVER HAD I WANT TO LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND DONT EVER WANT TO FIGHT WITH HIM. I AM SURE WE WILL HAVE OUR TRYING MOMENTS BUT IF TWO PEOPLE LOVE ONE ANOTHER THEN THEY CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANY OBSTICAL IN LIFE AND GO TO BED LOVING ONE ANOTHER AND WAKE UP SMILEING AND SAY I LOVE YOU HONEY. I HAD A TALK WITH MY SON HE IS 18 AND JUST A BABY STILL AND HAS ALOT OF GROWING UP TO DO BUT HE GOT MARRIED AND THOUGHT LIFE WOULD BE EASY, I REALLY WISH THAT HE AND HER WOULD HAD WAITED TO GET MARRIED CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYOTHER WEEKEND SHE IS KICKING HIM OUT AND THE FIGHT WAY TOO MUCH. I TOLD THEM TO STOP IT IS NOT A GOOD THING TO LET KIDS SEE AND NOT GOOD FOR SELF ESTEEM. I WISH I COULD FIX IT ALL BUT I KNOW I CAN AND THAT IS SOMETHING THAT I AM TRYING TO FIX WITHIN MYSELF. SLOWLY I AM MAKING SOME CHANGES WITHIN MY SELF FOR THE BETTER .
I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO LOSE THE STRESS AND ALL THE DRAMA THAT EVERYONE IS ALWAYS THROWING AT ME THE HEART DR HAVE TOLD ME THAT IF I DONT THEM I AM GOING TO DIE. SMOKING IS ANOTHER THING I HAVE GOT TO LOSE AND I AM GOING TO GIVE IT UP I PROMISE ALL OF YOU THAT ARE READING THIS. YEAH I AM RAMBLING SO I AM GOING TO CLOSE WITH A I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I AM ONE VERY HAPPY LADY NOW AND I GET TREATED LIKE A QUEEN AND I KNOW THAT I CAN NOT EXPECT NO MORE OUT OF STEVE THEN I EXPECT OF MY SELF AND I WILL NEVER ASK HIM TO CHANGE UNLESS I KNOW IT IS FOR OUR OWN GOOD AND OUR HEALTH BECAUSE I PLAN ON BEING HERE FOR A WHILE AND I HAVE A FEW MISSIONS I HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH BEFORE I LEAVE THIS WORLD, SO WITH THIS I AM SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT...... I AM GOING TO START WORKING ON A BOOK AND IF I DONT GET IT ALL DONE I HOPE THAT ALL WILL MAKE SURE THAT IT GETS PUBLISHED IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME. NIGHT EVERYONE AND HOLD ALOT OF THING CLOSE TO HEART CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW IF ITS GOING TO BE THERE OR NOT...
BEV
10/06/2008 one more dayanother day goes by and i am doing good today have met me a wonderful man and hope this is the one i die with one never knows til it happens. I am happier now then i have been in a life time i found a wonderful man to walk through life and i am blessed for this opportunity with him he is a angel in disquise dont ever think that a love of a life time is with you until u know for sure that it is going to work out i will never sign another marriage licence as long as i live i thought that love had found me and i wasnt looking for a divorce til i had to walk away from asituation that was an unmanagable situation but im doing ok and surviving one more day. i have moced and for the better and have had to do it the hard way and faked it til i made it and i am making the best out of the situation and living one more day. I want to thank everyone that has been there for me and helped me to see what was really going on in life and see that a man was about to end my whole life and he wasnt worth all that i am now here for me and thanks to some wonderful people i call my true friends sandy becky larry, and most of all steve u all have been there through thick and thin and i love u all. I have come to realize today that i am going to have to be there for me and I have to come first before everything in life i am someone and deserve the best of the best and I have to worry about me from here on out. one more day i will love myself for who i am and do the best i can do and expect no more from no one. one more day i am here for all of my friends and one more day i can breath. |
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